Those who’ve followed my personal blog will know I’ve been producing a fairly lengthy series discussing the relation of John Milius’ Conan the Barbarian to the original Robert E. Howard stories, patterned after the Encyclopedia of Arda’s Filmgoer’s Guides to the Lord of the Rings film adaptations. It seems inevitable, then, that I would produce another one for the upcoming film. This won’t be as lengthy or detailed as the Filmgoer’s Guide ’82, and will stick to bullet points and quotes. A more in-depth edition of the Filmgoer’s Guide will likely follow in due course.

As with the Filmgoer’s Guide ’82, this is not intended to denigrate or criticize the film’s cinematic merits, but simply to serve as a guide. It isn’t about saying the film is bad, just that it’s different. For opinions on the film’s quality, one can go to the multitude of excellent and insightful reviews across the internet, or my review and critique, but this is strictly an impartial assessment – save for a few scathing remarks which I’ve retained for my own sanity, mostly in the film references section.

Anyone with any suggestions/corrections/observations, please let me know in the comments.

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I just had to comment on this breathtaking link, where producers Avi Lerner and Joe Drake state why they believed Conan failed at the box office:

The concensus among Avi Lerner and Joe Drake, who had successfully released The Expendables together, is that Conan The Barbarian didn’t have the “brand equity” they hoped it would. The pair had convinced themselves that the brand was ripe for a reboot and that the fans were ready for it, so they rescued the film from the major development purgatory it had been caught in for so long.

Oh, of course, this film proves Conan just doesn’t have the “brand equity” they want.  Conan may be successful in just about every other field of media it’s branched out to, but when the film fails, it isn’t because of – say – atrocious marketing, or a mediocre product, or executives who don’t know what in blazes they’re doing.  It’s “brand equity.”

Compare Conan to Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  There is no way Planet of the Apes‘ “brand equity” was stronger than Conan’s at this point in time: the last time it made so much as a blip on the popular radar was 2001, with a poorly-received Tim Burton reimagining.  It didn’t have a long-running popular comic series, nor multiple video games, nor a resurgence in publication of the source material in the lead up to the film.  Yet Rise of the Planet of the Apes did gangbusters, even though the Planet of the Apes franchise hasn’t been on the cultural landscape for a decade. Why?  It had a good story, strong characters and quality product created by some of the best people in the industry, and advertising highlighted those strong points.

In this ecomonic climate, people can’t afford to just go to multiple films at the cinema the way they could back in the ’80s. They couldn’t just go to see a film on the off-chance it might be a laugh: they have to know they’re going to get their money’s worth. People don’t care about loyalty to brands, they just want something that’ll promise them a good night at the cinema. Judging by the success of Rise of the Planet of the Apes and The Help, it’s evident that people are more willing to go to a film for the story and characters than they are for scene upon scene of mindless action. So who’s fault is it, if not Conan?  It can’t be because it’s R-rated, because 300 and Predators have done very well in the past five years.  It can’t be the August release, because Rise of the Planet of the Apes is doing well too.

No, Lerner & Drake, it’s clear to see that whatever caused Conan to sink at the box office, it can’t be the “brand equity” being substandard.  You just squandered the potential.  Dark Horse took the Conan brand and made it one of the most celebrated indy comic titles in the last decade.  Funcom took the Conan brand and made it one of the few MMORPGs that’s still standing tall against the juggernaut of World of Warcraft where others have succombed.  Mongoose Publishing took the Conan brand and made an RPG series that spawned dozens of supplements.  Del Rey and Gollancz took the Conan brand and made multiple volumes of 80-year-old stories that are still strong sellers. All in the second half of the last decade. Seems to me that Conan was, in fact, ripe for treatment on the big screen – but Lionsgate & Millennium dropped the ball.

That said, not all non-film Conan excursions have been as successful: the 2007 videogame was something of a disappointment. Why? Because it was a mindless, fun hack-and-slash with no higher aspirations than letting people go nuts as Conan – and more importantly, that’s how it sold itself. Dark Horse, Funcom and Del Rey took a different tact: they sold Conan as an icon from one of the founding fathers of the modern fantasy genre, highlighted the majesty and complexity of the Hyborian Age as a setting, and most importantly, made it look like a compelling world with strong characters and a story to tell. I’m no marketing expert, but when I see a correlation between products that take REH seriously and promote Conan as a worthwhile, exciting adventure story doing well, and products that barely mention REH and promote Conan as little more than hack-and-slash doing poorly… I start to think maybe you should do more of that first thing and less of that second thing. Promoting REH, selling Conan as an enthralling story with fascinating characters has obviously paid dividends. Promoting Conan as nothing more than mindless killing and sexist exploitation has not.

Those companies succeeded because they took the source material seriously and delivered quality products without insulting people’s intelligence.  Lionsgate & Millennium failed because they didn’t: they were obsessed with aiming for the Spike TV crowd with advertisements that give no inkling of story and just throw a constant barrage of images. I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of marketing and the product itself.  But Avi Lerner and Joe Drake are never going to admit that – it’s brand equity, it’s Jason Momoa, it’s the disloyal fans who dare to vote with their wallet.

In other words, it’s everyone’s fault but their own.

Nonetheless, perhaps we should let Lerner & Drake think that the reason it failed was because the brand didn’t have “equity.”  Maybe that’ll mean they drop Conan, and the license can get into the hands of someone who knows what to do with the property. Just keep telling yourselves that, guys – then if someone comes along and delivers the Conan movie everyone’s been waiting for, you can just blame it on the “timing,” or “market analysis,” or whatever. As ever, blame it on everything except yourselves.

Well Cromrades, you knew it was coming, and it is: I have seen Conan the Barbarian, and I have thoughts on it. Many, many thoughts.

This was always going to be a very difficult review to write. I have so much invested in the character of Conan, the work of his creator Robert E. Howard, and any future adaptations that hinge on this film. The reception and gross of this film is vital to the productions of Kull of Atlantis, Dark Agnes, Bran Mak Morn, Vultures, Pigeons from Hell, and who knows how many other Howard creations are in the pipeline. If the film does well, then we might finally get what Howard fans want most in a Robert E. Howard adaptation: Robert E. Howard.

While I’m always aware that I’m a big fan at heart, and it isn’t as if my word can make or break a production. But I am aware that what I say matters, and that I make a difference – the extent of that difference not immediately clear or quantifiable, but definitely present. I’m keenly aware of my responsibility for my words to be said with the utmost care.

As such, I’m going to write both a review and a critique: the review is the general, broad opinion of the film based on my reaction, with no real delving into plot, character or story details. The critique will deal with much more in-depth analysis, which would naturally mean every other aspect of the film. Those wanting to wait until they’ve seen the film to make a judgement would be advised only to read the review, and wait until after viewing for the critique.

As of this moment, I’m still putting the finishing touches on my review, so as a taster, here’s the capsule:

Conan the Barbarian (2011) is better than I was expecting in some respects, and worse than I was anticipating in others. On pure cinematic merits, it is not as successful as the 1982 film or Solomon Kane, but it is not quite as heinous as Conan the Destroyer or Kull the Conqueror either. In terms of adapting Robert E. Howard’s creation, it’s only marginally more faithful than any of its predecessors, just in different respects. Jason Momoa, with the right director, script and story, could be a fine interpretation of Howard’s Conan: there are brief, wonderful moments in the film where I momentarily forgot what film I was watching, and he’s definitely closer to REH than Arnold’s ever was. The basic story is still pathetic, some of the effects are simply atrocious, and there’s no thematic core, philosophy or subtlety to speak of – on the other hand, the natural scenery of Bulgaria is a joy to behold, some of the effects are surprisingly solid, and there’s a pervasive sense of enthusiasm from the cast that can be woefully lacking in these sorts of films. In short, some parts better, some parts worse, but overall, much as how I expected it to end up.

UPDATE: Now for the review itself. Click on, if you dare…

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Fellow adventurers,

I wish to address you on the current state and future of the blog. Right now, the makers of Conan the Barbarian are consolidating their power, preparing for a siege upon the greater public. Their armies of marketers, advertisers and promoters are converging, ready to make their lightning assault. Already skirmishes and sorties have been fought, ground has been gained and lost, victories attained and defeats suffered. Trailers, teasers, clips, interviews, posters, tie-ins and the like have made their mark, but it is only the beginning.

The Conan Movie Blog has been something of a wild card here. While we support Conan the Barbarian’s cause in the promotion and celebration of Robert E. Howard and his most famous creation, that doesn’t mean we blindly support every decision or interpretation made by the forces of Paradox, CPI and Lionsgate. We certainly don’t follow their whim or command. If the filmmakers are the Achaeans and the skeptical public the people of Troy, then I’d like to arrogantly compare the Conan Movie Blog’s staff, forumers and commentators to Achilles’ Myrmidons: nominally on the side of the Achaeans/Filmmakers and with the same goals and objectives, but answering to no-one, and with their own stratagies and code of conduct in mind.

For the past few months, we Conan Movie Blog myrmidons have been happy to battle the Trojans, dispelling myths, correcting misinformation, criticizing poor journalism, supporting the Achaean filmmakers when we feel aid would be justified and necessary. But those who’ve read the Illiad will recall that there comes a point where Achilles retreats to his tent, unable to be coaxed out, and refusing to emerge. He refused to fight, be it for Achaean or Trojan, and just sits in his tent while the battle rages around him.

In the past few days, I received a wealth of information about the upcoming film that completely alters my perception of it. I will not say whether it is good or bad, and in fact, it doesn’t matter in this instance: what matters is that anything I say will be coloured by what I know, and knowing how to proceed with this information is presenting me with a dilemma.

Now let’s be clear, first of all: I haven’t seen the film. Now that that’s out of the way, I can confirm that I know a lot more about the film than I probably should. Little birdies are everywhere. So, I’m going to lay all my cards on the table:

• I know, with a fair level of detail, what happens in the final shooting script
• I know, with a fair level of detail, what happens in the film
• I know, with a fair level of detail, how closely the novelization and Conan: The Mask of Acheron follows both script and film

Now, the dilemma: how can I continue to report on a film the way I have, when I know what’s happening?

An example is the Stills & Analysis posts I’ve been doing. Before this week, I had access to little more information available than anyone reading the blog couldn’t access themselves. I relied on interviews, previous trailers, old scripts, and rumour to ascertain what’s happening in each 30-second TV spot, or 2 minute trailer. I was going to do this for the recent “When Blood Is Spilled” sequence: give my ideas of what was happening, what it could mean in the larger context of the story, discern whether this standard is carried through the rest of the film, or exceeded/unmatched. But now that I know, I wouldn’t be making observations or suppositions, I would be relaying facts. It just doesn’t feel right for me to do this now.

In a way, it’s a relief: I couldn’t have kept up at this level with all the new information coming out – you’ll notice I had fallen behind on the Stills & Analysis posts, and some are still unreleased – and so I will leave the analysing and supposition to the other  loyal, dedicated and passionate fans, while I sit and muse on the situation from my tent. I’ll still be reporting news and events regarding the film, but opinions, observations and analysis? Well, we’ll see – at least until the film’s released. Then Achilles will emerge, and accompany the Myrmidons to the battle onscreen.

In the mean time, I’ll release what I’ve done of the other Stills & Analysis posts, discuss the Howardian/un-Howardian elements of “When Blood Is Spilled,” and my review of Conan: The Mask of Acheron and Conan the Barbarian: The Classic Original Stories That Inspired The Film, both of which I picked up today. In the former case, I’ll be able to judge it purely on its own merits, since I know how it compares and contrasts with the film & novelization.  In the latter case, well, it’s Howard. That’s always been my strong suit on this blog.

I’m a bit behind because I don’t have any strong feelings one way or the other in regards to the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton, but I was rather taken aback by the headgear sported by Princess Beatrice for the occasion:

Tell me I’m wrong.

I, Laird Taranaich, Castellan of the Conan Movie Blog, is proud to announce the grand opening of the Conan Movie Blog Forums!

I’d like to reiterate Waldgeist’s statements: this does not affect the Conan Movie Blog as it is in any way, shape or form. The blog will still be here, unaltered, unabridged, unmuddled-up-with: all that’s happening is an expansion for any community members who want to discuss other aspects of the upcoming Conan film and the Conan franchise in general. Not only can you talk about the upcoming film, but the original Robert E. Howard stories, the pastiches by later authors, the art of Frank Frazetta and other illustrators, the comics, the 1980s films, the television series, the cartoons, the action figures, the statues, all the way to the novelty fridge magnets and MAD Magazine parodies. There’s even an off-topic forum for any old thing that comes to mind. I won’t be taking an active role in the running of the forum – someone still has to comb the ‘net for more Conan info, after all – but I will be reading the threads, and will likely comment every so often.

While I love the Robert E. Howard Forums and still consider it one of the most polite, easygoing and satisfying discussion sites I’ve had the pleasure of participating in, I also realise that its tightly regulated protocol enforced by dedicated and vigilant moderators might not be to the liking of all. Hopefully this site will allow those who do not, or cannot, participate on the Robert E. Howard Forums, the Conan Completist, the Robert E. Howard Inner Circle, or other discussion groups an opportunity to enjoy the spirited debate and shared enjoyment of the 80-year phenomenon that is Conan.

At the very least, take a gander over at the forums to see what it’s all about. See you there!

I am no longer actively posting news on the blog, but I am still privately host of the blog. I see the amount of comments and people posting increasing every day and so I thought it might be time to direct a question at you, the Conan Movie Blog Community.

We wanted to ask you guys first, because we all know the entry barrier for a forum is pretty high and many people just can’t be bothered to manage yet another forum account. But we also don’t wanna pass on the opportunity to give you a more extended home, that enables you to be more active.

Choose what you like and we will act accordingly

On a sidenote, a couple of days ago we broke through the 100 000 unique visitors per month barrier for this month already – Yay! (good job Taranaich for continuing to build this community!)

Edit

To clarify all confusion. This blog as it is now will stay exactly as it is right now, including all it’s functionality and comment system. This poll is just there to determine how many people would be interested in an additional forum – obviously we need people to make a forum worthwhile. We didn’t know outright how many of the readers of the blog would even be interested in conversing in a forum, so we thought to give it a vote. Again, nothing will change once a forum is added. It’s just there as an additional functionality.

A little something different today. Recently, Sean Hood has leapt into the fray regarding the upcoming Conan the Barbarian’s script, engaging the fans on a level no doubt some of his colleagues would consider foolhardy. Nonetheless, what followed has been a spirited – if heated and passionate – discussion on the merits and nature of change in literary-to-cinematic adaptation, and Sean was surprised at the response. So surprised, in fact, that he actually contacted me in regards to a few Conan-specific questions.

While I was momentarily astonished and somewhat bewildered as to why an established screenwriter like himself would be interested in what I, a Howard enthusiast and Conan fan, would have to say, I was only too happy to oblige. It isn’t every day I’m asked to participate in an interview, after all. So, if anyone’s interested in what I see in Howard’s work, what fascinates me about Conan, why I spend so much time reading up and reporting on a film which I’ve often criticized in the past, what Conan story I’d love to see as a film, and what other Howard character I want to see adapted, take a gander at the first part of Sean Hood’s interview.

One thing I was very wary of was that I might give the impression I was speaking on behalf of all Howard fans, as some sort of spokesman for Howardom: Crom knows we’re a varied and conflicted pack of wolves who disagree as much as we agree on something! So, I invite all the blog’s readers to send in their own thoughts on Sean’s questions in the comments:

Both you and the readers of your blog have a deep, emotional connection to Conan. What is it about Conan’s character that resonates so deeply for you?

If a future film were to be based directly on a Howard story or novella, which one in particular do you think would make the best movie? Which one would fans most like to see?

Other than Conan, what Robert E. Howard character would you most like to see on screen?

Recently, I made a post that included a number of pictures from the upcoming Conan film. However, due to circumstances of distribution and copyright, I have had to take down both the pictures and the source.  I’m going to respect the wishes of all involved, but at the same time, I feel the need to keep everyone informed about the upcoming film, especially considering there’s been a considerable dearth of news over the past few weeks.

Exactly what to do with this news I’m uncertain, but I’ll come to a conclusion fairly soon. I just ask that anyone who does have the links and pictures, please do not post them in the comments or elsewhere, until all this is figured out.

EDIT: It seems Bleeding Cool has some images which I shall neither confirm nor deny that are related to said disappeared images.  I don’t know exactly where Bleeding Cool got these images in their mysterious email, but I shall say it was not from any of the team at Conan Movie Blog.

Greetings, all. Big changes here at Conan the Movie Blog: the founder and master of the blog, Johannes “Waldgeist” Rebhan, has decided to step down as the site’s administrator. Since February of 2009, Johannes had taken it upon himself to keep the world informed about the upcoming Conan film, to debunk or confirm rumours, and provide speculation on the film’s direction. Since then, it has grown into a small community of its own, with dozens of visitors leaving hundreds of comments, and unique visitors per day numbering in the thousands.

He has bestowed upon me the keys to the castle, and tasked me with continuing to bring news of the Conan film to the fine community which has grown over the past year. Johannes wants to imparts his farewells and thanks to the commentators, viewers, and fans of the blog: he did not inform me of the reasons for his retirement, and I’m not going to speculate. Suffice to say, he’s going to miss the blog.

In the meantime, I’ll be the castellan of this keep, and will endeavour to continue Johannes’ fine work. My name is Al Harron, whom some of you might know from The Cimmerian or The Blog That Time Forgot. I’ll be posting under the name Taranaich, my user name at the Official Robert E. Howard Forums. If anyone has any questions, queries, challenges or death threats, I’ll be happy to address them in the comments when I can.

Hopefully I’ll do Johannes proud, and Conan the Movie Blog will continue to be the primary resource for Conan.

Cloigeand abu!